Trigger warning: miscarriage, infertility, pregnancy loss. This isn’t normally what I write about; however, it is just as important. This is the story of my pregnancy and miscarriage. When I was going through it, all I wanted was to know what I was going to experience but I didn’t know many women I could talk to about it and I couldn’t find anything online. I share this story to help other women. No one should ever feel alone in their darkest moments.

November 14th, 2019 was supposed to be one of the most exciting days of my life: the day I would see my baby for the first time. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant since May 2019 without much success. My whole life I had been told “you have sex, you get pregnant” and that is the way the world works. LOL NOPE. Month after month with negative tests was heartbreaking. It started to impact my work as all I could think about was babies and pregnancy.

But we finally got a positive test on October 22nd, 2019. WE WERE HAVING A BABY! I surprised my husband when he came home from work that day with a “Father’s Day” card from our future child. I booked my 8-week appointment that day. I started researching everything and making plans and dreaming. We told my husband’s parents and siblings. In a surprise twist, we learned that my sister in law was pregnant and due around the same time! We told my parents and sister- y’all should see the videos, they are hilarious.

Nothing was off or weird. I had some spotting, but every book and website said that was normal. I felt pregnant- tired and hungry and thirsty constantly. We were so looking forward to that first appointment. Everything during the appointment was normal… until the ultrasound. The baby appeared smaller than expected. We were immediately sent to a different facility for a transvaginal ultrasound. Yes, that is as invasive and terrible as it sounds. The baby was measuring at 6 weeks, not 8 weeks which could mean two things: we miscalculated our date of conception or I was having a missed miscarriage. A missed miscarriage is when the baby has stopped developing, but your body hasn’t registered it yet. We would have to come back in one week for another ultrasound.

I became a ticking time bomb, expecting to start bleeding at any moment. I cried A LOT. I read everything I could. I spoke at a university about vulnerability and honesty while holding my secret close. I cried some more. My husband and I leaned on each other hard. I came to terms with the possibility of losing the baby I had yearned so hard for. On November 22nd, we had a second ultrasound which confirmed that the baby was no longer developing. The next few hours are hazy. I was so numb.

I was given three choices: wait and see if my body would self-expel, take abortion medication to cause contractions, or have the embryo removed via surgery. I chose to take the medication and my mom immediately flew up to be with me. I prepared the best I could. I shared the news on social media. This was real. This was happening.

That night, I took misoprostol (also called Cytotec) and a pain killer and tried to sleep as recommended by my doctor. Tried is the key word there. What I was not prepared for was the pain. You see, misoprostol causes your uterus to contract just like labor thus expelling the embryo. It HURTS. Honestly, I would rather be shot than experience that again. That night, I cried and I prayed and I begged God to make it stop. I passed out from the pain. But most importantly, I survived.

The next morning, I had passed the embryonic tissue, which was horrifying. I was weak and still in pain so I spent the day sleeping. Shout out to my mom who was the MVP through this all as my husband had to work (you know, to pay off the $1500 this miscarriage would cost us). Eight days later, I had another ultrasound to confirm that my uterus was empty. Unfortunately, some of the tissue remained. I could go through the medication again or wait and see if my body would take care of it on its own. Seeing as I was leaving for the Association of Fraternity/Sorority Advisors Annual Meeting in California the next day, I decided to wait and see.

So I went to a conference, surrounded by my friends, peers, and a handful of people who hate me. I put on a brave face. I continued to miscarry. I have to give my friend Amber MAD props for being my roommate, my rock, and my champion throughout the conference. She let me nap when I needed and vent when I thought I would fall apart. The real MVP.

That is my story. I had a missed miscarriage. I survived it. I think the most powerful thing that has come from this experience is the sisterhood I have joined- a club that no one wants to be apart of. So many women experience miscarriage and don’t have anyone to talk to about it. There is such a stigma around miscarriage. I have lived in the shadows of stigma the majority of my adult life and have made it my mission to fight mental health stigma. That is why I share my miscarriage story. Thanks for reading.