Let's Talk About Infertility

I haven’t shared much about my struggle with infertility for a lot of the same reasons people don’t talk about mental illness: shame and fear. Because I have been open about living with bipolar disorder, I often worry that people think I am over-sharing or that I am just seeking attention. I have been accused of both before. I believe in talking about the hard things- the things that we are told we should be ashamed of- so that no one feels like they have to face these things alone. So here is my infertility story, the one I have been living for the last 2 years.

As a teenager, I was constantly told by fear-mongering adults that if you have sex, you will get pregnant and your life will be ruined. Turns out, getting pregnant is often not as easy as 1 + 1 = 2. It is more like advanced trigonometry for some folks. My husband and I fall into the latter category.

It took us 6 months to get pregnant the first time, but sadly that pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. This means that our baby stopped developing, but my body still thought it was pregnant. Through medical intervention, we said goodbye to our baby. There were no answers- sometimes miscarriage just happens. In fact, it is estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Although I was absolutely heartbroken by the loss, I became even more determined that being a mother was something I definitely wanted to do.

But after 6 more months and hitting the 1-year mark of not having a baby, we decided to seek out a fertility specialist. Blood tests, an HSG test, and a half dozen ultrasounds later, and we were hit with the diagnosis of “unexplained infertility” which basically means that you appear healthy but *shoulder shrugs* we don’t know why you can’t get pregnant. This triggered something I hadn’t anticipated…

Living with a mental illness has caused me to be angry and frustrated with my own body. I’ve asked myself why can’t my brain just do what it is supposed to do?! Make the serotonin and use the serotonin to be happy, ya absolute walnut! With infertility, I experienced a lot of the same rage. My body is supposed to be able to just get pregnant and have a baby, right? Why can’t it just do what it is supposed to do?! I have had to process through these emotions and learn to overcome these negative feelings towards my body.

4 failed intrauterine inseminations aka IUIs and 7 months after meeting with an infertility specialist, I requested a test called an endometrial biopsy which revealed something none of us could have anticipated. Finally, we had an answer: inflammation. The BCL6 gene is a marker for chronic inflammation and could be a sign of silent endometriosis. More tests will help us better understand and overcome this but for now, I am super lucky to be in the hands of an incredible team that is actually leading the research on non-invasive endometrial inflammation treatments.

Recently, I started a medication that blocks the production of estrogen which essentially starves the endometrial cells so that they can calm down. Does the elimination of estrogen sound familiar? It should. I’m in menopause! For 2 months, I will be chemically inducing menopause before we try IUI again in hopes that we can avoid IVF and successfully get pregnant. I am excited, worried, hopeful, and a hormonal wreck.

I share this with you because as we have embarked on this journey, I have felt often so overwhelmed and alone. People rarely talk about infertility and how it can impact both your physical and mental health. It is important to start conversations about this incredibly sensitive topic so that no woman has to suffer alone.

For more information on infertility, check out https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/infertility

A Missed Miscarriage

Trigger warning: miscarriage, infertility, pregnancy loss. This isn’t normally what I write about; however, it is just as important. This is the story of my pregnancy and miscarriage. When I was going through it, all I wanted was to know what I was going to experience but I didn’t know many women I could talk to about it and I couldn’t find anything online. I share this story to help other women. No one should ever feel alone in their darkest moments.

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November 14th, 2019 was supposed to be one of the most exciting days of my life: the day I would see my baby for the first time. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant since May 2019 without much success. My whole life I had been told “you have sex, you get pregnant” and that is the way the world works. LOL NOPE. Month after month with negative tests was heartbreaking. It started to impact my work as all I could think about was babies and pregnancy.

But we finally got a positive test on October 22nd, 2019. WE WERE HAVING A BABY! I surprised my husband when he came home from work that day with a “Father’s Day” card from our future child. I booked my 8-week appointment that day. I started researching everything and making plans and dreaming. We told my husband’s parents and siblings. In a surprise twist, we learned that my sister in law was pregnant and due around the same time! We told my parents and sister- y’all should see the videos, they are hilarious.

Nothing was off or weird. I had some spotting, but every book and website said that was normal. I felt pregnant- tired and hungry and thirsty constantly. We were so looking forward to that first appointment. Everything during the appointment was normal… until the ultrasound. The baby appeared smaller than expected. We were immediately sent to a different facility for a transvaginal ultrasound. Yes, that is as invasive and terrible as it sounds. The baby was measuring at 6 weeks, not 8 weeks which could mean two things: we miscalculated our date of conception or I was having a missed miscarriage. A missed miscarriage is when the baby has stopped developing, but your body hasn’t registered it yet. We would have to come back in one week for another ultrasound.

I became a ticking time bomb, expecting to start bleeding at any moment. I cried A LOT. I read everything I could. I spoke at a university about vulnerability and honesty while holding my secret close. I cried some more. My husband and I leaned on each other hard. I came to terms with the possibility of losing the baby I had yearned so hard for. On November 22nd, we had a second ultrasound which confirmed that the baby was no longer developing. The next few hours are hazy. I was so numb.

I was given three choices: wait and see if my body would self-expel, take abortion medication to cause contractions, or have the embryo removed via surgery. I chose to take the medication and my mom immediately flew up to be with me. I prepared the best I could. I shared the news on social media. This was real. This was happening.

That night, I took misoprostol (also called Cytotec) and a pain killer and tried to sleep as recommended by my doctor. Tried is the key word there. What I was not prepared for was the pain. You see, misoprostol causes your uterus to contract just like labor thus expelling the embryo. It HURTS. Honestly, I would rather be shot than experience that again. That night, I cried and I prayed and I begged God to make it stop. I passed out from the pain. But most importantly, I survived.

The next morning, I had passed the embryonic tissue, which was horrifying. I was weak and still in pain so I spent the day sleeping. Shout out to my mom who was the MVP through this all as my husband had to work (you know, to pay off the $1500 this miscarriage would cost us). Eight days later, I had another ultrasound to confirm that my uterus was empty. Unfortunately, some of the tissue remained. I could go through the medication again or wait and see if my body would take care of it on its own. Seeing as I was leaving for the Association of Fraternity/Sorority Advisors Annual Meeting in California the next day, I decided to wait and see.

So I went to a conference, surrounded by my friends, peers, and a handful of people who hate me. I put on a brave face. I continued to miscarry. I have to give my friend Amber MAD props for being my roommate, my rock, and my champion throughout the conference. She let me nap when I needed and vent when I thought I would fall apart. The real MVP.

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That is my story. I had a missed miscarriage. I survived it. I think the most powerful thing that has come from this experience is the sisterhood I have joined- a club that no one wants to be apart of. So many women experience miscarriage and don’t have anyone to talk to about it. There is such a stigma around miscarriage. I have lived in the shadows of stigma the majority of my adult life and have made it my mission to fight mental health stigma. That is why I share my miscarriage story. Thanks for reading.

Manic Panic.

I am exceptionally lucky that I have never experienced a full-blown mania. I live with bipolar 2 which super scientifically means: Patients experience at least one depressive episode lasting at least two weeks and at least one hypomanic episode lasting at least four days. Or in layman’s terms- big depression, little mania. Literally, hypomania means little mania. Linguistics is cool, y’all.

In bipolar 2, hypomania rears its ugly little head less frequently than the depression monster. For me, it looks like sleeping very little, hyperactivity, obsessive thinking, random feelings of euphoria, and impulsiveness. My mind will race from one topic to another in a matter of seconds and I have a hard time staying focused on the task in front of me. Hypomania makes blogging exceptionally hard because my mind is moving faster than my fingers. For the last two weeks, I have been experiencing hypomania-as a result, my kitchen is the cleanest it has ever been and I drafted the rough outline for like 3 books. But I am coming back to baseline. I’ll share more about the swing that happens towards the end of an episode next week.

I think it is really important for people who are experiencing these feelings to seek help, which is exactly why I started sharing my story with others. I had no idea that the mood swings that I was experiencing weren’t normal. As a result, I did a lot of things that inflamed my disorder and put my mental health at risk. I hurt myself by self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. I ruined friendships and relationships with impulsive, irrational decisions. I spent a lot of money on really stupid things- like really, who needs a panda onesie for their cat? JK I still stand by that purchase.

So what do you do if you are experiencing what may be a mood disorder? First, seek professional help. I would not be here today without the help of my therapists over the years. Next (if it applies) work with a psychiatrist to find a medication that works for you. Third, find healthy ways to cope. I can’t tell you how to find your coping mechanisms- that is something to work with a professional on. However, I can tell you some of the ways I have learned to manage my own hypomanic episodes. I don’t allow myself to carry credit cards. I force myself to lay down in bed even if I can’t sleep- my mind might not be tired but my body needs to rest. I clean and organize my house (seriously, when was the last time you went through your junk drawer?!). I keep myself physically active to burn off excess energy. I pour myself into intellectually stimulating activities like crossword puzzles or Sodoku or video games. I have honest conversations with my loved ones about how I am feeling so that we can work together to pull me back towards my baseline.

Living with bipolar is not impossible. It definitely isn’t easy, but it is not impossible.

Between the Lines.

Bipolar. We throw the word around pretty easily- OMG the weather is so bipolar today or I can’t tell if he likes me because he is always so bipolar, texting me nonstop then ghosting me. But for thousands of people, bipolar is a scary, oppressive, daunting word. Over the month of February, I am going to be sharing more about my experience living with bipolar 2 disorder. So if you have ever wanted to better understand this mental illness or are worried that you may be living with a mood disorder or are simply curious (go you!), keep checking back in on Mondays this month.

First, let’s get generic! There are a million ways bipolar disorder manifests itself in people. The way I describe how I experience bipolar is by comparing it to a spectrum- on one end is manic, the other end is depressed, and baseline (or “normal” which is my least favorite word ever) hangs out in the middle. I move back and forth across the spectrum over the course of weeks or months. If I do fall into a depressive mood, it usually happens very rapidly and lasts for weeks whereas a hypomanic mood gradually creeps up on me and rarely lasts more than a week- I’ll talk more about hypomania next week.

I strive to stay in the baseline- this is where I am at my best as a productive, functioning human being. In full transparency, I am well into the manic side of the spectrum this week. Fortunately, I met with my therapist today and was able to be open and honest about where I am at mentally so that we could create a game plan to keep me in a good place. She asked me what I am doing to stay “between the lines” aka keep myself from falling deeper into the hypomanic episode I am experiencing AND avoiding the crash into major depression that can sometimes follow a manic mood.

The phrase “between the lines” holds so much meaning. For many people who live with bipolar disorder, every single day requires one to “read between the lines” or analyze their feelings and natural behaviors to understand where they may be heading in terms of mood. Is today the start of a downslide? Is hypomania creeping in? These questions are always in the back of my head. How are you between the lines today?

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One Word 2020.

This post is a little late- most people post their “one word for the year” at the beginning of January. But if there is one thing I am supremely good at, it is being late. So consider this post the most ‘on brand’ thing I have done so far this year :)

I have always loved the concept of “one word for the year”- choosing one word to be your theme for the year. I have chosen a word every year for the last four years. 2016 was the year of persevere and was all about surviving a job that was chaotic, difficult, and resulted in some of my best stories. My word for 2017 was thrive- that year, I started a new job and got engaged. The following year was all about settling into marriage, a new house, and a new role after a promotion so my word was (fittingly) establish. Last year’s word was Positivize or “to make things more positive” and was chosen because I tend to be super critical and fall into catastrophic thinking easily. I tried to see the positive in everything despite having one of the most difficult years of my life.

My one word for 2020 is honest. I’ll admit that this is going to be a little bit of a challenge as I am not very good at being honest, especially not with myself. For a long time, I lied about where I was at mentally and emotionally, hiding my mental illness in order to maintain my image as a perfectionist. As a result, I kept people at arm’s length so that they would not see past my mask and see the real me. There are still times where I have to remind myself that authentic is better than perfect. So this year, I will be honest.

“Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.” - James E. Faust

Online Therapists?

Going to therapy can be difficult. Not the actual talking to someone part (although honestly that kind be a challenge as well) but the logistics of going to a doctor’s office. You may not be able to find a therapist in your area that you mesh with or can’t afford the co-pay that comes with your insurance or don’t have the time to leave work to go to a physical office space. There are a million reasons why people aren’t able to go to therapy, but I believe that everyone (yes, EVERYONE) can benefit from spending time with a therapist or counselor.

That is why I have been so excited to see the introduction of online therapy options over the last year or so. Having phone, video, and text options for people to connect with therapists helps bring mental health care to thousands of more people. However, figuring out which service or provider is best for you can be rather daunting. That is why I adore Consumers Advocate’s comprehensive guide to online therapy (https://www.consumersadvocate.org/online-therapy). They have researched the best options available and provide full reviews to make selecting a provider easier.

Yesterday, I was in the Hartford Bradley Airport in CT and was pleasantly surprised to see a giant advertisement for TalkSpace, endorsed by Michael Phelps. I can’t help but wonder how many people will see that banner as they walk through the TSA Checkpoint and will be inspired to seek help. Consider this your Michael Phelps banner- what is it going to take to get you to talk to someone? There are no more excuses.

Who Cares Who Your Audience Is.

Being a professional speaker is kind of an odd job. I literally get paid to drop knowledge. I tell people that what I do is 33% inspirational/motivation speaking, 33% standup comedy, 33% storytelling, and 1% making a complete fool of myself. I haven’t been doing this long- only 3ish years- and I just transitioned into full time speaking 4 months ago. One of the first things I learned when I started this work was “know your audience”. I like to think that I am pretty good at reading my audience at this point. A keynote to a group who is attending a mandatory program at 9am on a Saturday hits way different than a weekday keynote at a leadership conference full of eager, excited students.

However, there is a difference between tailoring your approach to better suit the needs of your audience and completely changing who you are in order to win them over. To be authentic, relatable, and real is paramount when trying to connect with people. So what happens when you let your audience dictate who you are and define your worth? I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently…

I love to blog- even if no one reads what I write, it feels good to create, to put my thoughts down, and to challenge myself to feel ALL the feelings as the words find their way out. However, I stopped writing over the last year and a half. Every time I would sit down to write, I would be consumed with worry- what if people don’t like this, or what if no one reads it, or what if I sound stupid? I was so wrapped up in what other people would think that writing stopped being a release for my anxiety or depression or whatever feelings I was having that day.

I think there is a lesson to be learned here. In today’s social media obsessed culture where we put more value on follower count than authenticity, we have lost sight of who the most important consumer of our creativity is: ourselves. I know that may sound completely backwards, but think about this- what if we thought less about gaining the favor of others and focused on learning to love ourselves without the validation of others? Louise Hay put it this way: “You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

Approving of yourself? Groundbreaking.

Finding Mental Health Care.

I am 27 years old and still ask my mom to schedule doctor's appointments for me. She now refuses to help me, so I have been forced to overcome the fear and anxiety that comes with being the most adultiest of adults and calling a doctors office. What I have learned is that it is a whole lot easier than we think and yet so many people don't want how to do it. They don't know how to find someone to talk to. Let's figure this thing out together...

If you have insurance-

Find your insurance card: it may be online or a physical copy, just check with your employer or the person who is the primary on your insurance. There should be a phone number or (in the best case) a website on the back that says something along the lines of "to access your plan, review coverage, or find a provider... call or go here." That is your jackpot. All of the insurance providers that I have worked with have a website that allows you to search for a doctor. Maybe you need a specific type of mental health care provider or would rather work with a male doctor- simple check the boxes and viola! Next comes the scary part... call and see if the doctor is accepting new patients. You don't have to tell them all the details of your life, you don't have to worry about an invasion of privacy. Just schedule an appointment and off you go!

If you don't have insurance-

It doesn't mean that you can't get help. I was without insurance for a little while when I was between jobs and it is really daunting not knowing how to afford care, but there are so many options. First, check out healthcare.gov to see if you are eligible for Medicare/Medicaid. There are a variety of things that can make you eligible for government assistance and there. is. no. shame. If you are not eligible, look for a free clinic often know as a "community health center". In my community, we have New Horizons Health that provides free/reduced cost dental, medical, and mental health care. A quick Google search can help you find what is available in your community.

There are also a variety of freeeeee services offered by phone or text, if you would like to talk to someone immediately. I have listed a couple of resources below. Please know that getting mental health care is not impossible. It is not difficult. It is not scary. You can do this. Simply having the chance to talk to someone about what your are feeling or experiencing can change your life. 

National Alliance on Mental Health 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
National Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis Text Line (Text NAMI to) 741-741

But I Can't.

Recently, I had the opportunity to speak at the Northeast Greek Leadership Association's annual conference and afterwards, a young lady came up to me with tears in her eyes and quietly asked for my card. I could tell that she needed to talk, but knew that she wasn't yet ready. I hoped and prayed that she would email me or call me or send me smoke signals. Anything. 

Fortunately, she did. We have been exchanging emails back and forth, talking about being over-programmed, over-whelmed, and unsupported. These are the conversations that I live for... to be able to swap stories, explore our own potential for happiness, and share in vulnerability. One of my most used phrases (both in writing and conversation) is "I want to challenge you..." I love the idea of being able to present opportunities for others. It feels like getting a quest or mission, like your Zelda or Frodo or Inigo Montoya. Is my nerd showing yet?

During my conversation with my new friend, we came to the topic of seeking out time with a counselor or therapist. This is always a tricky conversation- there is such a stigma around mental health that seeking help from a professional is scary or shameful, when it definitely shouldn't be. One of the excuses that I have heard- and myself used- the most is "I am already so busy. Adding counseling to my schedule will just bring me more stress!" 

Let's unpack this one, friends. If you had a cavity in your tooth, would you wait and hope that it would fix itself? If you broke your arm, would you still go into work with a bone sticking through the skin. I really, really hope that you said no. Why should taking care of our mental health be any different? We have got to stop making excuses for why we can't see a mental health professional. Your health- physical, spiritual, and mental- is so important.

I'm gonna challenge you real quick- make a list of everything that you have going on in your life. Job, partner, leadership position, volunteering, pets, school, family, church. List it all. Then, I want you to rank everything from least to most important to YOU. No ties! Now look at the thing that you ranked last. Would you be okay with giving that up for an hour so that you can go see a counselor or therapist? Do it. Find the time to take care of yourself. You deserve it.

Challenge Day.

Today, I spent 6 hours participating in a "Challenge Day" with roughly 100 high school students. I realized something really, really important...

Kids today aren't "snowflakes". They are just aware of the fact that people come from all other backgrounds and that the things that make us different should be respected.

They don't need "Safe Spaces" because they are too weak or sensitive. They want to protect themselves and their friends from the bigotry, prejudice, and ignorance in our world.

It isn't that they "can't take a joke". They are just aware that racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. aren't funny. They refuse to laugh at oppression just to make small men feel better about themselves.

They aren't "ruined by their smartphones." They communicate constantly in a way that shows depth and complexity. They share their feelings and thoughts via social media, group texts, and memes.

They know that they can't physically show their feelings because, as a generation, they have been ridiculed, belittled, and invalidated for showing even an iota of emotion.

They are powerful. Their voices will be heard. They will change this world in incredible ways. Thank you to the Elimination of Prejudice Foundation, Pi Lambda Phi International Fraternity, and Challenge Day for an amazing experience. 

Stay Afloat.

I am angry. I am scared. I am frustrated. I am upset. These are real and valid emotions. I wish I had a way to make them go away. I wish I had a way to fix everything. But I don't. I don't have a solution to the world's problems. This isn't about about a solution. It is about survival. 

It feels like you can't turn on the TV or scroll through a newsfeed without seeing something shocking, devastating, or crazy. I have struggled finding the balance between wanting to be aware of what is going on in the world and keeping my own mental well-being in tact. There is this pressure to be a social justice warrior, to take on the ugliness that is permeating through our society, to simply be in the loop. With all of the negativity pushing in from all directions, I am sometimes caught off guard by intense feelings of hopelessness. As someone who struggles with depression on a daily basis, these feelings can trigger really scary thoughts. 

What to do? How do you do it all- stay aware, keep fighting, and retain your sanity?  

When the world feels like it is crashing down around you, it is okay to take a break from everything and focus on yourself. It doesn't make you less 'woke', it doesn't mean you don't care. Quite the contrary- it means that you are taking the necessary steps so that you can be the best version of yourself. There is no shame, no guilt in taking care of yourself. 

So take the break that you need to process these emotions. Turn off the notifications on your phone, step away from social media, and dedicate time doing what brings you peace. Take care of yourself because we need you. Give yourself the space, the grace to stay afloat. 

Imposter Syndrome.

If you have never felt Imposter Syndrome, I can best describe it as being quite similar to the feeling that you get when you are leaving a store, but have not purchased anything. You know the feeling. It makes you nervous, you keep telling yourself to act normal, and you want to turn around and yell "I'M NOT STEALING ANYTHING. Y'ALL JUST DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING I WANTED TO BUY. I'M NOT A CRIMINAL." You know that you haven't stolen anything, but you fear that people are giving you sideward glances and must assume that you are shoplifting.

That is how it feels to have Imposter Syndrome. It is this omnipresent feeling that someone is going to call you out and let everyone know that you are a fake and you don't belong. This feeling is most readily associated with women in the workplace- something that I totally understand and feel regularly as one of the few women in my field. However, I think that Imposter Syndrome is often felt by people who struggle with mental illness. 

One of the things I hear most often when talking about anxiety, depression, and the like is that people are afraid their feelings won't be taken seriously. Sound familiar? Imposter Syndrome within in context of mental illness can cause us to keep how we feel to ourselves, to downplay our struggles, and avoid seeking help. A loop starts to play in our heads: "maybe I'm not depressed, maybe I'm just being dramatic, maybe my feelings aren't as bad as other peoples, maybe I won't be taken seriously." I have often found myself getting sucked into this thought pattern. There is this fear that my depression and anxiety is a figment of my imagination. 

But I know it is not. My feelings and your feelings are valid. They are real. Imposter Syndrome distorts reality- whether it makes you feel like you aren't good enough to be doing something or it makes you believe that you're a fraud or your feelings aren't real. The first step in combatting Imposter Syndrome is acknowledging it is there. Only then can you start to work on validating your feelings and constructing YOUR reality. 

You is smart. You is kind. You is not an imposter.

Find Your Ocean.

Have you ever watched a penguin walk... okay, walk is too kind... waddle across land? They are awkward and ungainly with their non-existent legs and chubby bellies. They almost appear as if they were made by mistake- a cruel joke by universe.

Until you see them in water.

There they turn into graceful and beautiful creatures who swim at incredibly speeds and with tremendous agility. Recently, I was able to see African penguins in their natural habitat and was totally awe-struck at how quickly the flightless birds can switch from awkward floofs into sleek fishing-machines. 

There are a lot of days that can make us feel like a penguin on land- totally out of our element. Things feel impossible to accomplish, the world feels like it is out to get us, success feels a million miles away. It is so easy to feel like you are the problem... that you aren't good enough or that you are a failure. What if it isn't you, but your environment that is holding you back? Like a penguin on land, maybe you just need to find the ocean to be at your best.

When I think back to the times that I've felt totally paralyzed by anxiety and the endless cycle of hopeless thoughts, there tends to be one common theme- I was engulfed by the negativity of my environment. Being isolated from other people or surrounded by mess, noise, and chaos, can make me feel like a penguin on land. I am uncomfortable and unproductive. It is easy to blame oneself for those feelings but take a step back, survey your environment, and see what may be holding you back. You may just need to physically leave the space you are in or maybe distance yourself from the people (or other penguins) that aren't positively contributing to your wellbeing. Whether we like it or not, our environment has a huge impact on us, but fortunately we have control over it.

Go find your ocean. 

The Time We Went to South Africa.

Live your best life... find your soulmate, annoy the ever-loving crap out of them, and always seek new adventures together. 

New Website, Who Dis?

It has been a while. The last few months have been insane- I have been adjusting to a new job, got married, went on an amazing honeymoon to South Africa, started a major lifestyle change, and finally... GOT A NEW WEBSITE. Over the last year and a half since I started sharing my story, this project- to live as authentically as possible in spite of my depression- has evolved. When I first started creating videos, writing posts, and speaking publicly, I was beyond nervous about how people would perceive me so I hid behind my personal mantra of "curiosity, courage, cake". I still believe fully in this mantra and the idea that "a little bit of curiosity can change your entire life, a whole lot of courage is necessary to take on your dreams, and there is nothing that can’t be made a little bit better with cake!" But I am ready to stand on my own two feet... to be more than just a tagline.

So welcome to the next evolution of this project. I took the last several months off in order to practice what I preach and find some self-care. I changed my diet, traveled thousands of miles, spent more time with friends and family, read a ton, climbed a couple mountains, and tried new recipes.  I meditated more and started to understand my anxiety better. I asked myself if I was doing things out of fear, prestige, spite, anger, depression, etc. and forced myself to seek out the positive. I reflected on every aspect of my life.

And this is where it all led me- invigorated, itching to write... ready to live my best life. Welcome.

Shout out to my sorority sister, Maggie Pendergrass with M. Blair Creative for creating this amazing website for me. If you are looking for website design, marketing help, a great conversation- Maggie is your gal.

Before the "Moment".

Thank you to TJ Sullivan (@intentionalTJS‏) for helping me brainstorm the idea of "the moment"!

Big changes to the website coming soon! With moving, switching jobs, and changing marital status all in one year, a website change-up seems rather fitting :)

Transitioning & Sadness.

This time of the year is filled with transition for so many people- teenagers graduating from high school, college students going home for the summer, graduates taking the first steps into the 'real world'. Summer is a time of change and with that change can come so many emotions, good and bad. Walking away from what is comfortable and familiar can be scary, heartbreaking, and sad. Often, during times of transition, we are told to focus on the positive outcomes... "but you are starting the best years of your life" or "just wait to see what the future holds for you!" That can make it feel wrong to be sad or scared. Those emotions can make us feel guilty for not appreciating the good things that may be coming.

But it is okay to be sad. Transition means leaving something behind. No matter how grand the new venture may be, there is still something that will remain in the past. Something that doesn't come with you.

Tomorrow, I am leaving my first professional job- the job that I have had for three long years. I am leaving the coworkers that have become family, the students that have shaped me, the office that has felt like home. I am turning three years of work over to someone else to do what they want with it- to build upon it or tear it apart for something new. Although I knew that this transition was coming and I am leaving to chasing an exciting new path in my career, I can't help but feel sad.

This isn't my depression. This isn't something to be fought or overcome. These are natural feelings to be embraced, feelings that will go away with time. When you live with depression, you become hyper-aware of your feelings or moods. The first hint of sadness is usually accompanied with an "oh-no" because it is often followed by depression's choke-hold.

Yet sometimes, sadness is just sadness. It is natural. It is okay. Transitions aren't easy and saying goodbye is the worst. Embrace the feelings that come with transition. Temper them with the hope that the future holds something wonderful, but don't push them aside or run from them. Let that sadness remind you of the good that has come thus far. Hold onto it and when you are ready, let it go.

The Masks We Wear.

Recently, my fiancé and I started pre-marital counseling, which has been an odd transition for me after 8-plus years of seeing counselors individually. We are supposed to work through things like "how will you raise your kids" or "what is your approach to money management"; yet, our conversations haven't been able to address those topics quite yet. We have had to talk to death a challenge we are currently facing. While a necessary part of the couples counseling process, it has been painful and unpleasant. But it has also led to some pretty astounding revelations. Last night, my crippling fear of masks was the revelation of the hour.

Not masks like Halloween masks- albeit I will be the first to tell you that I am truly terrified of costumes that cover peoples faces- but the masks that we create and wear to protect ourselves from other people, from hurt, from ourselves. For years, I wore a mask. Every day, I worked tirelessly to make sure that no one would see the real me- the girl struggling with depression and anxiety, who felt like she couldn't keep herself glued together no matter how much primping took place. I wanted to be the perfect daughter, sister, student, sorority woman, employee, friend, sweetheart. Mental illness isn't perfect; it is messy. My mask covered that mess.

Until January 28th, 2016, when I decided to publicly take off my mask and toss it aside. That day, I promised that I would be authentic and real. I committed myself to sharing stories in order to help others see that mental illness is not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I gave up the mask and it was scary and painful, but so worth it. Yet now, over a year later, I have found myself wearing a mask once again... pretending to be someone I am not. I find this mask suffocating and cruel. I want to fight it. Everything in my body is telling me to rip it off and throw it away with spite and anger.

But I can't. Because this mask isn't for me. It is for someone else. Sometimes we are asked to wear a mask in order to help others... like when visiting a sick friend and bringing cheer and smiles when all we want to do is cry. It may sound counterintuitive, but there are times when pretending is the best way to be authentic. Deep, meaningful love and tremendous care for others may mean gently settling into a part, a role, a place, a mask. It may be uncomfortable. It can bring great sadness.

That is the gamble that comes from sharing your life with others. There are days when you must wear a mask for someone else... to ease their suffering or to make their life better. But that doesn't mean that you lose yourself behind that mask. My revelation was that, although I hate wearing a mask, there is so much freedom in being able to decide when and where I will wear it. You have the control to decide the fate of your story, to decide who get to be apart of it and who gets to know it. That freedom is liberating. It is cleansing. While we all must wear masks from time to time, know that the decision to embrace that mask is yours alone.

“No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” -Nathaniel Hawthorne in The Scarlet Letter

Say Its Name.

Language has so much power. While in college, I had to take a linguistic anthropology class, which was as boring as the name suggests and seemed like a tremendous waste of my time. I admit that I was a terrible student in that class and spent 90% of my time on Facebook or reading pointless articles, thus I probably missed many profound moments with that specific professor... until the very last day of class. On that day, I had actually forgotten my laptop at home and was forced to pay attention to the knowledge being dropped upon the class- I feel very fortunate that I did. My professor ended the course with a quote from Ludwig Wittgenstein... "The limits of my language means the limit of my world."

Think about that one for a minute. Have you ever tried to explain something to a toddler? At times, it can feel impossible because the scope of their language feels so small and limits how you can describe, explain, and teach them. Language has so much power over our way of understanding, our way of defining the world around us. That is why it is critical to start using the right words when tackling mental illness. There is so much power, so much freedom in language.

For example, I recently found myself wedged in the middle of a conflict between someone close to me and their parents. I like to think that I know the person quite well and am able to have open, genuine conversations with them. They know my story... they helped me find the confidence and vulnerability to share it with others. I know that they sometimes struggle with depression as well. We can talk about our good days and our bad days... mental illness is a conversation topic we do not shy away from. Yet the same cannot be said about my friend's relationship with their parents. The word 'depression' is somewhat taboo. Instead, they refer to feelings and behaviors as "moodiness".

I get it. Sometimes depression can manifest itself in ways that others may perceive as "being moody". Sometimes I describe myself as moody AF, a result of my lingering teenage angst coupled with a ongoing love for My Chemical Romance and Panic at the Disco. But reducing depression to simply moodiness creates a host of problems that can cause great harm to the sufferer. When people complain that someone is moody, they may tell them to change their attitude or (if you are a woman) they may ask you if it is 'that time of the month'. Depression is an illness, not an attitude choice. It can seriously impair daily life and should not simply be reduced to PMS or moodiness or having a gloomy outlook.

For when we use the wrong language, we transform the power to get better into stigma and shame. Instead of being able to seek help for a treatable mental illness, sufferers may become hard on themselves, feel embarrassment, and exacerbate an already difficult situation. As my professor once explained, language can limit our world... but it can also liberate us. Say its name- depression.

Forgiving Self-Care.

How many times have you been told that self-care is the best care? For me, I think I am somewhere around the million mark for how many times I have heard that I need to take care of myself. Yet when it comes to "taking care of ourselves", we can often find that there is not enough time in the day to do it all.

Sometimes taking care of yourself means saying no... to yourself, to loved ones, to employers, to friends. Albeit this sounds easy in theory, there is a major hurdle that we sometimes don't think about when it comes to carving our time for ourselves by saying no to others: guilt. With each no, a little bit of guilt may creep in. I am THE WORST at saying no to others. I am a super woman until I am knee deep in 'have to dos' and stretched so thin that I am barely human, let alone super woman. When I do say no, I find myself feeling tremendously guilty or fighting a hefty dose of FOMO.

I see this same cycle of yes, yes, yes, breakdown, yes yes yes, breakdown a thousand times over when working with college students and young adults. It is ingrained in our generation to take on each opportunity with gusto. However, in most cases, that is doing more harm that good. We need to say no. We need self-care. Without it, we turn into miserable zombies drifting from one half-assed project to the next.

That's why I took a break from this blog. I needed to say no to something. The guilt of not writing has slipped into my subconscious a million and a half times since March 19th when I last posted. Each time, I tucked that guilt away and remembered one of my favorite adages: you cannot pour from an empty cup. My cup has been drained by travel, job-searching, moving, wedding planning, and a million other things. The guilt will have to wait. My cup needed some filling. It needed some self-care.

So what are you going to say no to next time you need to make time for self-care? How are you going to tell the guilt to GTFO? If you can answer these two questions, you are well on your way to a full cup.