Let's Talk About Infertility

I haven’t shared much about my struggle with infertility for a lot of the same reasons people don’t talk about mental illness: shame and fear. Because I have been open about living with bipolar disorder, I often worry that people think I am over-sharing or that I am just seeking attention. I have been accused of both before. I believe in talking about the hard things- the things that we are told we should be ashamed of- so that no one feels like they have to face these things alone. So here is my infertility story, the one I have been living for the last 2 years.

As a teenager, I was constantly told by fear-mongering adults that if you have sex, you will get pregnant and your life will be ruined. Turns out, getting pregnant is often not as easy as 1 + 1 = 2. It is more like advanced trigonometry for some folks. My husband and I fall into the latter category.

It took us 6 months to get pregnant the first time, but sadly that pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. This means that our baby stopped developing, but my body still thought it was pregnant. Through medical intervention, we said goodbye to our baby. There were no answers- sometimes miscarriage just happens. In fact, it is estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Although I was absolutely heartbroken by the loss, I became even more determined that being a mother was something I definitely wanted to do.

But after 6 more months and hitting the 1-year mark of not having a baby, we decided to seek out a fertility specialist. Blood tests, an HSG test, and a half dozen ultrasounds later, and we were hit with the diagnosis of “unexplained infertility” which basically means that you appear healthy but *shoulder shrugs* we don’t know why you can’t get pregnant. This triggered something I hadn’t anticipated…

Living with a mental illness has caused me to be angry and frustrated with my own body. I’ve asked myself why can’t my brain just do what it is supposed to do?! Make the serotonin and use the serotonin to be happy, ya absolute walnut! With infertility, I experienced a lot of the same rage. My body is supposed to be able to just get pregnant and have a baby, right? Why can’t it just do what it is supposed to do?! I have had to process through these emotions and learn to overcome these negative feelings towards my body.

4 failed intrauterine inseminations aka IUIs and 7 months after meeting with an infertility specialist, I requested a test called an endometrial biopsy which revealed something none of us could have anticipated. Finally, we had an answer: inflammation. The BCL6 gene is a marker for chronic inflammation and could be a sign of silent endometriosis. More tests will help us better understand and overcome this but for now, I am super lucky to be in the hands of an incredible team that is actually leading the research on non-invasive endometrial inflammation treatments.

Recently, I started a medication that blocks the production of estrogen which essentially starves the endometrial cells so that they can calm down. Does the elimination of estrogen sound familiar? It should. I’m in menopause! For 2 months, I will be chemically inducing menopause before we try IUI again in hopes that we can avoid IVF and successfully get pregnant. I am excited, worried, hopeful, and a hormonal wreck.

I share this with you because as we have embarked on this journey, I have felt often so overwhelmed and alone. People rarely talk about infertility and how it can impact both your physical and mental health. It is important to start conversations about this incredibly sensitive topic so that no woman has to suffer alone.

For more information on infertility, check out https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/infertility